For many people, divorce inevitably will be ugly. For a lot of reasons it’s how it will play out. For many people, though, splitting up could be a grief-filled experience full of genuine loss and awesome opportunities. If that’s where you are, you are two people of good will, trying to be decent to each other, here are 10 great ways to protect and insulate your fragile peace if you simply were not meant to be married anymore and:
1. Don’t try to be friends too soon.
Your reactions, impulses, needs and interests will cycle differently. You need a safe, professional distance from each other in order to conduct the business, set the rules and boundaries that will allow we to move into a parenting partnership and to see if a new relationship might flourish.
2. Lawyers prepare for the worst. Mediators bring away your best.
Start together a great mediator who is also a lawyer. If we’re definitely not at war already, heading to a sharky attorney out of fear will certainly start one. If you have a working relationship, similar goals and no huge wedge issues up front, try a experienced mediator first. You’ll save oodles of money plus are more likely to leave it with the effective parts of your relationship intact
3. Write a Parenting Plan that speaks directly to your children.
You are more likely to write a plan with your kids’ best interests in clear focus if you start out with “To Adam and Ella. Picture them reading it. With them if they are old enough, share it. Show them you are working as united team, from the beginning, on their behalf.
4. rest knowing But Verify: Write everything down
Do not assume either of you will remember or abide by the agreement no matter how friendly things are. Get it all in writing in a coherent plan plus agreement and nobody ‘forgets’ or acts out. This is why a mediator who’s also a lawyer is such a strong choice. Especially with complications of parenting and money, the more details are at writing the better. For example, if you live in the same spot and are comfortable with the non-custodial spouse or co-parent visiting during non-visiting times or if you are agreeing to a degree of flexibility, make this down.
5. Agree how to disagree
Failure could be inescapable. Things will zig when you thought they’d zag. Minefields will blow in areas we had no idea were even tender. Have a schedule for that. What’s your strategy for when a snag is hit by you? What if some body gets a better job and the money changes, or if somebody would like to relocate or even he doesn’t if you think parents should pay for graduate school but? Things is your process? Head back to mediation? Write down the precise process so everyone is clear.